Be Thankful For What...
It has been another year and here we are, Thanksgiving is once again upon us. As everyone makes plans to gather with their families, have a giant feast and count all the reasons they have to be thankful, well I am struggling with finding things to be thankful for.
As I sit here with my heart broken, my poor health and not looking forward to the turkey day feast that I will not be able to enjoy, depression can become a very powerful enemy.
In the past I always said I never understood suicide and how people can just do something like that, however it is a situation I am becoming to understand more and more everyday. Don’t misunderstand me, I am NOT suicidal, however I can understand now how things can become so overwhelming that people just give up. I still hold on to faith, it is all I have most days. After all why make a rash permanent solution to something that still has a chance at least if I am still breathing.
People don’t understand how it feels to be loved one minute and have your heart ripped out the next. Get over it they say, but it isn’t that easy. For someone like myself that truly loves deeply and gives her whole heart, it is going to take time. Not your amount of time, MY amount of time.
People also do not understand illness. If you look ok, then you must be ok. Disabilities, illnesses and chronic pain are NOT always visible and there are people like myself that put on a game face and pretend everything is fine to avoid all the pity or not wanting to show weakness. Then there are the people that laugh, poke fun and try to convince us that we are not really sick, we do it for attention or that it is all in our head. If you could only see how it feels to be trapped inside a body that seems to hate you and attacks you daily, how strong would you truly be? Would you even last a day?
While some people will be enjoying their turkey, mashed potatoes and stuffing with all the pies and trimmings, I will not be able to have any of that. Apparently my immune system thinks it is under attack so I now have severe food allergies and when I eat my body thinks it is something foreign attacking it and so it retaliates. I no longer will enjoy the simple things like turkey dinner, pizza, or even ice cream… I cannot even have a simple cup of coffee.
Someday I hope my heart will mend, when I have no idea. As for my health, I have so many illnesses, disabilities and pain that are only going to get worse. I am staying strong and fighting the fight because I will not let it break me. I admit I do have my weak moments, I cannot be strong all the time it is exhausting. Do I let people see my weak moments, no I break down when I am alone.
I am not writing this to upset anyone, or to make anyone feel sorry for me. I guess I just want people to see things the way I see things. It is not worth giving up the battle if there is a slim chance you can still win the war. I also want people to see that just because you see your family member, neighbor, or friend smiling and laughing when you see them, you really do not see what is going on inside them and behind closed doors. For strangers, smile, wave or even just say a simple hello. The smallest gesture could have a huge impact on that persons day.
While I am struggling with things to be thankful for this Thanksgiving, I will be thankful for a roof over my head, my children, my family and my friends! (Some I haven’t even met yet).
I wish nothing but love, happiness and good health to my children. I wish happiness and strength to my mom to make it through another day of pain. I wish the rest of my family love, happiness and good health. I wish my loved ones that are no longer with us could be here. I wish everyone would take the time to truly treasure and cherish what they have. I wish people could be kinder and not so judgemental. I wish bullying would stop, and I wish the world could just stop all this war, violence, hate and nonsense.
Most importantly I wish all of you and your families a very safe, blessed and Happy Thanksgiving. I also wish that everyone can be thankful for the little things that they have in life, because in the end all those petty arguments and materialistic crap really doesn’t matter… What matters is the memories, the laughter, the love, and having someone to hold your hand through it all.
Peace, Love & Happiness!!
