My Story Continues...

Well, a lot of you have been asking so here comes some real personal and emotional truth. Some of you may have already read the My Story post here in the blog so you sort of have an idea what I am talking about. If not, you can find it on the top right of this page. It is a side of me I keep guarded to the point where I do not even leave the house, I have not left in years unless it is to a doctor appointment. I have completely secluded myself.

I know you are probably asking why, and well, first off nobody asks to be sick. I tell people all the time it is not like I was sitting around one day with nothing to do and said, "Oh God, I am so bored down here, please give me something to do... I know a illness that causes agony." But I have been treated like I somehow asked for this, or I did it to myself, or that it is all my fault.

I have lost friendships, relationships, and even part of myself during all of this. I have been hurt so badly by people saying to me that this is just too much for them to deal with and they walk away. If only it were that easy... I cannot walk away when I have had enough, unfortunately it comes too. So what part of any of this is just too much for someone else? I mean I get it can be hard to watch someone you care about hurting, but are you not suppose to support and comfort those you love and care about during hard times? I know I would.

This takes a toll on me of course physically, but also emotionally and definitely mentally. Sometimes the pain is so strong it is dumbfounding and for a person with panic/anxiety and OCD already, yeah it can really get you inside your head. I feel embarrassed, I feel like a burden, and I feel I have nothing to offer anyone because I am too broken. I know I shouldn't but I do.

Fighting any disability can be complete hell and I am not brave by no means. If I knew it was coming I would have tried everything to not have to do it. But, I have learned along the way that I am a hell of a lot stronger than I ever gave myself credit for.

Now, enough about that because I definitely do not want pity. If anything and I have said it many times about anything I share, if it helps one person then it was all worth it for me to open up.

Since the My Story post a lot has changed. Well I can't say a lot, but there are a few major changes.

My body is basically attacking itself. My immune system thinks it is under attack so it retaliates. Not only is it causing all the issues in the previous story, it has now caused severe allergies to everything and I do mean everything. I am allergic to all fruit, most vegetables, foods, spices, dairy, the list goes on and on. I have had the same thing for dinner everyday for the last two years because it is all I can have, and some days I cannot even finish it. If I find something I can have and then not have it for a week or two, then I cannot have it because my body says forget that too.

The latest development is now I have been informed that my muscles are deteriorating and the ones in my biceps are pretty much gone. When I move my arms there is no muscle, it is bone grinding against bone. They said unfortunately there is nothing they can do for it and that it can be very painful. I was like, you think?

But you know what, despite everything I am not a weakling by no means. I am still very determined and hard headed and I will still give it as good as I get. I am a fighter!! Although I may not be able to do a lot, I do have my words and each and every one of you knows those come straight from my heart. My writing is where all my emotions go.

So basically this is the latest news to date. Now you have a better insight about me and why I sometimes feel the way I feel, because honestly... who would want to take on all this broken mess? Oh and this also explains why I disappear once in a while, I do not mean to and I always try to let you know first, but it doesn't always happen that way. Sometimes I just get in my head and need to walk away and process everything.

If you are struggling with chronic pain and disabilities, my heart and prayers go out to you. If you are someone who is a partner to someone with disabilities and pain, then please be patient, comforting and supportive. Know that the emotional beating they give themselves is sometimes a lot more brutal than you realize.

Blessings and well wishes to all of you... Much Luv!! xo