Where The Hell Has Nyki Been...

So just where have I been...

I apologize for being away for pretty much the past seven months and I know a lot of you have been making some positive comments and hoping I was away writing. Truthfully, I wish I had been writing too, but as many of you already know when I write it is usually deep and comes from my heart. Many of you have even said you enjoy reading the things I write and post because it is heartfelt as you read the words. However, when it seems someone like myself reaches a point of being finally broken, it becomes impossible to write anything when you feel nothing.

My time away I was hoping would allow me to focus more clearly on things, do some soul searching, perhaps see things from a new perspective but I think that idea failed miserably because I still feel lost, I can’t seem to find my place, a place where I fit… if that makes sense.

By writing from my heart, and touching on things with such deep feelings and passion it leads the way for a lot of brutal honesty and truth. That is why my words are so powerful and that is also why I hide nothing. I have even been asked a few times, “Why do you post that stuff?” Well, because as I have said, I have absolutely nothing to hide. Therefore it has definitely been no secret that it has been a rough time for me and that is why I felt I just needed time to reflect on life. Do I see things differently? Well honestly no. Did I find what I was searching for? Well double no. Do I still feel broken? Absolutely! But all of you know that I am a very headstrong and determined woman, but not everyone can be strong all the time and I am exhausted from trying to be or even pretending that I am.

It is a very scary thing to be lost, to not recognize the reflection looking back at you in the mirror, to physically hold an emptiness from a part of you that has disappeared leaving you incomplete, to not understand these changes you are going through, or even how to fix it so you can just be you again and just be whole.

So what did I figure out while I was away? Well, that is a really great question but it seems that I still have a lot of questions left unanswered, I am still very confused... maybe even more confused than when I took a break. However, I will not let it beat me down, this will NOT win!

The funk I am in still leaves me searching for answers to things I find myself questioning because they are new to me, a new experience that I have never found myself in before, that I do not quite know how to approach and that itself is scary.

How do you find trust in a world where it seems non-existent, and how are you supposed to give trust to a perfect stranger that is wanting to be a friend or that is beginning to become a love interest when everyone you have let into your circle has betrayed you and let you down? I know that you cannot fault one for another’s actions, however when it keeps coming back to bite you in the ass time and time again then how do you refrain from self sabotaging something that comes along that just may be great for you? Well, that is a humdinger of a dilemma isn’t it?

All of my life I have given my heart, my faith and my trust to people that I deemed worthy. People that have claimed to be my true friend, people who have confessed their never-ending love for me and people who naturally are supposed to have my back and keep me safe from harm… all of them stabbing me in the back while looking me right in the eyes. So although I believed in them all and tried so desperately to see the good, needless to say none of them in fact were deserving of my loyalty at all which leaves me with an entire new question, What does all this say about MY judgement of character and can I even trust myself anymore?

Although I may fear what I find out during my quest, I will still find answers because even though it is very easy to do, I refuse to give up on ME! I have said it before, I am a diamond in the rough, but when I dust myself off I am a true gem… I sparkle and I shine bright!

This is all just a temporary setback, we all have at least one moment in our life where we just need to take a step back and see a different outlook on things. I appreciate all the support and the positive feedback I get from all of you, and I am very grateful to have such a compassionate group of family, friends, fans and followers that are patient and understand what it is like to just be overwhelmed and need a hiatus. For all of you I am forever thankful and blessed. I know it was unfair to just disappear, but I did not want to answer all the questions that would follow by announcing I needed a break… so I really just needed to go and I know all of you will understand that because I know all of you have taken the time to understand me, so you know it takes a lot for me to just vanish.

I have missed each and everyone of you, and I did spend hours today reading through remarks and posts trying to catch up a little on your lives. I am glad to see that most of you are doing well, to those who have been sick I hope you are feeling better. I have missed birthdays, so happy REALLY late birthday from me, I have missed a good friend’s wedding… Congrats to you both!! But it was nice to just sit and read up on what I have missed with all of you, although sad I had missed so much, but thankful that most everything I read was positive.

As I said, I will continue to search for the things I need to complete me, but this time I will do it with you all instead of without you. I forgot just how much all of you really do help me when I am having a bad day. I will be back with my normal opinions, remarks, posts, laughs, songs, and of course blog!! I still need to rant ya know lol.

I have missed you all so much and I am glad to be back and able to catch up with all of you…

Much Luv! xo