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Getting Intimate With Me...

First of all before anything else I want to take the time to personally thank all of you for the kind words, encouragement and support yesterday when I launched this new blog site. Some of you had never seen my blog before, some of you had never really read it and some of you never really knew the full extent of who I am, my honesty and my struggles until yesterday. All the messages I received from all of you wishing me well, saying that you can relate because you have been there too and just the overall compassion from everyone really meant a lot to me.

I had really struggled for a moment before launching this new blog site. I fought with instead of taking the extra time to bring the previous posts and archives from the old site over, just start fresh with the new site. In the end I decided to do what I tell you all everyday... I stayed true to myself and I did not settle and after all the positive feedback I got yesterday, it only solidified that I made the right choice. It gave those of you who had not seen previous posts a better understanding of who I am, and it gave those of you who were behind a chance to get caught up.

Now, when I say I made the right decision keeping them and staying true to myself, I could have very easily just deleted them and started fresh. I have people all the time ask me, "Why did you write that?", or, "I cannot believe you posted that for everyone to see." I cannot stress enough how completely open and brutally honest I am. I cannot help that I feel so deeply that everything pours from my heart, if I do something I do it wholeheartedly or not at all. Also, if by putting something out there relates to one person, makes their life better or even just helps them out of a bad situation then to me it was all worth it. Yes being open and honest may make me a target for people by giving them the ammo to take advantage, then again by being true to myself and my heart, it made just lead me to the path I am meant to be on, my destiny, my one true love.

I am a simple person, what you see is what you get. I don't do drama or play games, I do not mislead or deceive people, I do not lie or sugarcoat things and I do not pretend to be something I am not only to change a few weeks or months down the road. I have said this before, I have never been, nor will I ever be a one night stand. I am not some fly by night floozy that hops into bed with someone for the soul purpose of a quick orgasm and nothing more, I am not wired that way. People have to wait to be with me, that is something that comes with too many emotions for me and I have to know there are mutual feelings etc, before that is even considered. I have not been with many people, and if I knew then what I know now it surely would not have been that many... just saying. I am not just a pretty face, or an object of the opposite sex that is here just for the sole purpose of random hook-ups.

I do have a bad habit of putting others and their happiness before myself, it can be a good quality to have, but for me it is a huge flaw. I have been alone for two years now, I have not shared myself or my personal space with anybody. I took a much needed break to find myself and who I am. I have spent so much of my life being what others wanted, or expected me to be that when I was alone I found myself lost. By saying that I mean that I had never taken the time to be me, I was too busy living for others and their happiness, and let me tell you it gets extremely exhausting. It left me not knowing who the true me was or what made me happy and in one relationship it almost cost me my life. It really hit home for me when someone asked me, when was the last time you were truly happy? I was speechless and replied, that is a good question. After sitting there thinking about it for a few minutes, my reply was, I don't think I have ever been truly happy. Looking back, sure there were moments I thought I was happy, but in all honesty I was riding the high of someone else's happiness when actually all I was doing was cheating myself while getting more lost.

I am so full of passion with anything that I do or write. I have a huge heart filled with so much love that it pours out into everything I do, write, say and even act. Although I would like to think the depths of love and the amount of passion that I hold inside my heart can be infectious, I fear that sometimes it may be a little too deep and that it scares people away. However, I wouldn't change my old fashioned, hopeless romantic heart for anything in the world.

So, with keeping the archives instead of deleting them, I remained true to myself and who I am because although some of them may be outdated, or sad, or heartbreaking to read... they did pour from my heart and the genuine feelings felt in that moment of writing them. Looking back and reading them now, I can still feel the feelings that I felt in that very moment. They are heartfelt reminders of my past, they are a part of my memories, they are moments I overcame in time that helped in making me the person I am today. I have nothing to hide, I am not ashamed of anything, and I am a better person for overcoming hurdles. I think deleting them would have been a huge dishonor to my past, my journey and to the things that have made me who I am today.

I will continue to be true to myself, to remain open and brutally honest. I will continue to be passionate in all that I do, to be compassionate with everyone I encounter and to be a positive influence on those around me by being the best person I know in my heart to be. I will continue to write from my heart, to be a hopeless romantic and hold on the faith that my true love is out there somewhere searching for me too.

I promise to continue to work at being an exceptional person, to cherish all of you and be thankful for all the caring, the love and the support you all show me, and I will continue to be a caring and loving daughter, mother, friend and partner (if I am blessed enough to find someone). I promise to help those in need to the best of my ability, to be a great listener, to continue to grow into a better person and to grow with all of you.

I truly am blessed to have all of you that choose to share even just small moments of your life with me, and I am a better person for knowing all of you and having your understanding, your love, and your support. Each and every one of you make a impact and influence my life in your own unique ways and that is something I will treasure always.

From my heart to yours... much love to you all!!

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